we’d like to help you learn to help yourself

13Jan12

It has been a hard week at work.  One of the hardest I can remember, I think.  I am actually in a place where I don’t know how to respond or proceed.  This hasn’t really happened before.

I suppose there isn’t much more I can say right now.

Filed under: dear God. please be listening. amen.   |  Leave a Comment

hey oh

12Jan12

My feet are cold.  I am happy winter is here.

Don’t tell anyone.

Filed under: probably shouldn't have said that, what i did last night   |  Leave a Comment

you’re gonna get a big surprise

18Sep11

My best friend got married yesterday.  I had the opportunity to watch his face when he said his vows.  I have never heard him say anything so confidently.  I remember a long time ago when he told me he had lost all hope that he would get married, and had resigned himself to a life of solitude.  After some prodding he took a chance with a very special woman (and let me say for the record, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen up close) and the rest was history.  I wish I had the ability to express what I would like to, but I can say only this:  In a short span of years I have had the challenge and the pleasure of seeing remarkable loneliness and unspeakable joy in his eyes.  If you saw him yesterday, you would also believe that real love is possible, out there, and somehow available to you.

Filed under: and so it goes, dear God. please be listening. amen., what i did last night   |  Leave a Comment

with my head in my hands I sit

12Sep11

I don’t know that I have ever had this much on my mind in my life.  It feels intensely overwhelming.  My best friend is getting married in a few days. I will wear a dress for the occasion.  Never mind that this means yet another relationship will go through a deep changing phase and the awareness of my singlehood will grow immensely with his absence.  (At least now people will stop asking me why I am not married to him.  Again, for the last time: because kissing your brother is uncomfortable.)  So much is new lately that I feel like I forget so often what my responsibilities are.  I feel ill most days of late and my doctor is currently unavailable.  My job is quite stressful right now and the results of several projects feel like they are resting on me.  I am not sure how to proceed at some points because I feel like I will only make a mistake.  My family and I are not particularly getting along.  And I am not that sad about it.  I feel like I have no ability to feel what they toss my direction anymore because the relationships are strained to the point where it feels impossible for them to become normal never mind life giving.  An old friend shared some horribly tragic news today that makes me feel the world will never, ever be a safe place because we are all greedy horrible shortcut seeking monsters.

Filed under: life overdramatized, what i did last night   |  1 Comment

it’s the latest it’s the greatest

06Sep11

It’s hard to know the right thing to do.  There have been some difficult things going on of late and I feel like I’ve been stuck in the middle.  My intentions were partly good and partly manipulative.

In some ways I feel like my life is like a batch of brownies, fully baked…but somewhere in the mix there is a 1/4 cup of dog crap.  It’s not technically dangerous because it’s been fully heated.  The germs are pretty much gone.  Maybe the brownies will have a slight dirt taste if you overthink it.  On the other hand, you may eat several delicious chocolatey brownies and not notice anything distinct.  But in your mind you will still know they are dog crap brownies.  Because I just told you.

Like me, you won’t want to eat them.

Filed under: probably shouldn't have said that   |  Leave a Comment