the second hand unwinds
Lately I have been waking up earlier than the alarm but still getting to work over an hour later than I had expected. I haven’t been able to get up in the morning. My alarm goes off and I know my roommates are awake and so I lie there and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for over an hour. I am not really sure why.
In my whole life I don’t know that I’ve ever felt quite this restless. I am worried over about 500,000 things. I still live, I go to work, I mostly enjoy my job (it’s really quiet in the summer so I get a little stir crazy without as many people around), I see people, I laugh, I have fun. It’s terrific for the most part. In other ways there are work things and life things that I feel like are looming ahead like possibilities or dead ends. I’m worried. I think I am mostly worried that I am going to fail. As a student I can fail to the ends of the earth and it’s somewhat easily forgiven because I’m learning. It’s practically expected. Now I am on my own.
In many ways, I don’t necessarily fear my ability to do my job, or rather the lack thereof. I guess I wonder what every day life is going to be like with a little less stress and a lot less outside work. I have been busy for about 10 years. I can’t really imagine life any other way. I’m still pretty busy; I am applying for jobs and trying to write a grant with my own time, so it hasn’t really hit me yet. I worry about getting a “real” job and that when I have extra time I will lament what I am not doing with it, or I will fill it with crap I don’t want to do because I am just afraid of having any time to spare at all.
What if I am not productive with my time? I think I am lazy for large portions of my time, and I have done so with an excuse in the back of my mind: I am in school, I am really busy, so I need down time once in awhile. That has actually been good for me. As I look ahead, though, I wonder: Am I going to be able to pull off real life? Am I going to get set in my ways in a manner that is unhealthy, unsatisfying, or just plain too busy? Am I going to work too hard or too much because I fear the unknown and at least work is something that I know?
I guess that’s what keeps me from wanting to get up. In many ways I just don’t want to face the world. I don’t know what is coming, I don’t know what’s ahead, and I suppose that I just don’t want to know. I am scared. I am scared that I have done nothing productive with my life. I have degrees and a good job and I am intelligent and fun and arguably somewhat successful (once I get a full time job anyway, which for some reason I am confident that I will). I guess I worry that if I get up now and I keep doing what I am doing, one day I will wake up and realize that years have passed and nothing has changed in my life. So many things are up to me and I question whether I am up for the challenge.
Filed under: life overdramatized, what i did last night | 1 Comment
My favorite part of this is when you say you are “lazy for large portions of my time.”
LOL.