in the mood to overshare

08Sep09

My face currently looks like a giant sea creature is living somewhere near my throat and is trying to slowly eat my face from the inside.  Its creepy tentacles are everywhere.

The story:  I was at the fair, I ran out of lip balm (which for me is basically a matter of life and death) and I purchased some from a vendor.  I thought it was awesome at first although I am not a big fan of flavored lip balm and it was a little too tingly… little did I know that the tinglies were the first indicators of the sea creature attaching itself to my insides.

G R O S S .

I continued living my life (translation:  I applied lip balm every 20 minutes or so) for the next couple of days.  I started to feel weird on Sunday evening.  Yesterday morning I woke up and felt my skin burning.  So what did I do?   I APPLIED LIP BALM.  That’s right folks.  The sea creature was hungry.  And I fed it.  I didn’t look in the mirror much because I was lounging around reading a book and attempting to enjoy my labor day.  After some time had passed my skin felt much more irritated.  And what did I do?  Yeah, you guessed it.  Eventually, I took a look, and began to panic.  Oh, the pain, the whining, the awfulness.

The sea creature responded with joy when I placed a hot compress on my face.  Apparently this is the formula to cause the thing to reproduce.  By the time I went to bed there was a colony of tentacles and assorted grossness shooting up all around the lip balm application region.  I woke up in the night and my lips were so swollen I looked like a muppet.

See, in the beginning I did not worry because I have had periodic minor dermatitis flare ups related to lip balm.  It usually only happens when other people use my chap stick.  I am very careful not to share and I replace my lip care items with great frequency.  My careless purchase of lip balm from a vendor has become my undoing.  And to think that I thought it was so awesome and spend the first several hours touting its greatness.

The sea creature is an egomaniac.

It continues to get worse even though I stopped using the culprit.  The 3am mirror check really sent me into a panic.  I think the sea creature finds it amusing that I have a job where I work in close quarters with people.  As I talk to students I find them unconsciously covering their faces.  I want to apologize, to explain, but how can I tell everyone I see that a giant sea creature is trying to eat my face from inside my body?  HOW CAN I MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND?!

I am giving a presentation tonight after work and at least they will only be squinting at my face then, and wondering to themselves what could possibly be happening.  However, the sea creature wins again because I have found that the more that I move my mouth (i.e. talking, etc.) the less control I seem to have over it.  I don’t actually feel the lower half of my face but instead I feel a general wavering between painful tingling and complete numbness which leads to me making weird faces to see if my lips are still there which leads to people that I am talking to becoming even more grossed out which leads me back to the fact that it all started with the tinglies!  Why didn’t I just listen?

So I am angry at the egomaniacal sea creature who is EATING MY FACE.

Filed under: probably shouldn't have said that, what i did last night   |  6 Comments