I am telling you

22Sep09

Lately I have been having those weird mornings where I wake up and I can’t remember if what happened while I was dreaming is actually real, or if my life is what was happening in my dreams.  Sometimes it actually takes a few hours for me to figure out which truth is paramount.

I have these days occaisionally, but lately it has been every single day and that has been weird.  Some relatively shocking things have proceeded from my mouth and my behavior the last few days.  I am not sure what to make of it, but I am sure I will make something of it.

Part of me is thrilled and elated at what has transpired and part of me feels like I have been shot out of a cannon.  I am in the ascent now.  The tops of the trees seem lightyears below me and I feel complete freedom.

Somehow I know, though, waaay in the back of my mind, that I will eventually hit the ground and be irrevocably injured.

Yep, I am making something of it.

See, right now I don’t notice because the wind is in my hair and I am happy—I am free—I mean, good grief I can fly, what is there to complain about?!

And so the two sides war together because I don’t actually know how high up I am therefore I don’t know how long it will take to hit the ground.

Here’s the basic story without the analogy.  I am very, very lucky to have a wonderful committed terrific group of friends.  They keep me on my toes, challenge me, sing karaoke, make me laugh, listen to me complain, push me to be better, the whole nine.  Some of these people I have a long history with and some of them are new to me.  Of concern to me is one who is only arguably relatively new, but in the last several months we have become much closer friends.

I could go into the whole story, but that would only be boring and seem a little complicated.  The skeleton of the story is that we met, nothing of significance happened, we started spending time together, people got the wrong idea (because he’s a guy and I am not one), we both panicked, we took some time off.

For the last few months we have been hanging out a lot more and to be honest I treasure every moment.  This guy has a reputation for being quite difficult to get to know and I made a secret commitment to do whatever I could to get to know him and let him know I care about him.  Maybe it worked.  I feel very close to him; closer, actually, than I have to someone in a long time.  ”Feeling close” to someone is no big deal, until you figure in our genders and some related political issues in the group we hang out in.

I don’t know if it was a moment of weakness, idiocy, truth or desperation, but not long ago I sat him down and told him that I am so very thankful for our friendship.  I further said that sometimes I get confused because I feel so close to someone who has at times hurt my feelings, and yet at other times the comfort that I feel when I am with him makes me think that if he wanted to he could actually win my heart.

Yes, I said that to him.

He let those comments lie and did not specifically address them and hasn’t.  I am actually okay with that; I didn’t say it to make him wonder or to test our friendship or to pressure him to provide some sort of DTR related explanation.  I am so, so happy about the way that we function and I don’t really want to change anything.  I enjoy every moment I spend with him, he makes me laugh, he is affectionate when I ask, and sometimes when I don’t, and he has been there for me at my moment of need.  He has shared parts of his story and seems to speak quite freely with me—he has said himself that he is surprised with how much he tells me and what we talk about.  I care for him a great deal.

I think I feel a little complicated about this because of some of the confusion in our history…that whole somewhat of a Ross and Rachel-ism that happened months ago.  That might be why I think about this and can’t figure out what’s real when I wake up in the mornings.  It is almost as though I want to beg the question: if you are so happy with him, then shouldn’t the two of you be more?

But I don’t want to ask it.  I am so, so happy.

So…is it so wrong that I love things the way they are and I don’t need them to change?  Can I somehow turn off this part of my mind that wants to be so analytical and just let myself revel in what is actually real?  As a woman who (obviously) analyzes, I just long for such a thing to be possible.  I just want to shut up, turn off that section of my mind, and let myself be happy.

Maybe I am looking for you, the reader, to give me permission.  I appreciate your feedback so that I can avoid analyzing to the point that when I stop flying and hit the ground I break every single bone in my body.  Thanks.

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