brain brain go away

20Oct09

I hate this statement, but it is true:  a lot is happening, and nothing is happening.

Today I sat in a meeting for work going over our revised benefit policies.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful that I have a job with benefits, and I will never be sorry or depressed about that.  At the same time it took everything that I had, while  sitting there watching some guy in a suit talk about percentages, to not cry.

There is a man in my life that I love but we won’t end up together.  If we do we will have been completely duped, and I worry whether we’d ever really be happy.  It is what it is.  I hate being a woman going through something like this because everything compiles, one thing right on top of the other.  When I have a good day, everything is good.  A bad moment appears and suddenly everything is completely bad.  Everything.

I sat today in the meeting and in my brain my entire life converged in the midst of this benefit lecture.  I realized that I have no family to support, no children for which to use my pre-tax daycare exemption, and wondered if I ever will.  It is sad that so many things in my life are absolutely perfect (and I mean perfect), but I have to find the one missing piece and sit and stare at that?  I feel like in some ways I am a total Pollyanna and in some ways I am the biggest Debbie Downer in the entire world.

Who cries over insurance?  Really?

Filed under: glimpses of the piping hot bowl of crazy that is me, probably shouldn't have said that, what i did last night   |  Leave a Comment