and she doesn’t think that I can hear her

14Nov09

I have been processing through some things lately that I haven’t really been open to sharing with people. As a result I have been severely sleep deprived. Normally I am sleep deprived because I can’t think—rather I am thinking so much I just can’t rest. It has been altogether different this time. Something in my life feels so gaping, so unfinished, that I don’t want the day to be over. I have felt this way before from time to time but it has never interfered with my daily life to this degree. I am trying not to be overly concerned, and I do try from time to time to talk to someone.

Recently a friend said to me that the hope would be that I could find an activity that would allow me to completely clear my mind and focus on something altogether different. Or better yet to focus on nothing. The specific suggestion was exercise.

This got me thinking a lot about coping mechanisms—the things we do sometimes to survive, thrive…escape.

The last couple of nights have been really difficult for me. Two nights ago I was tired but could not bring myself to end the day. Something felt missing and I did everything I could (save for sleep) that I could think of to distract myself. I can’t even seem to be productive in these moments; it is only a perfect state of utter restlessness.

This is a new experience for me. I have been hurt, elated, overwhelmed, “had a lot on my mind,” and more, but the state of…the gnawing sensation that something in my life is incomplete…it just feels like there is a giant hole in my life and I must not rest until it’s filled. Problem is I can’t be certain where the hole even is much less how I go about filling it.

Someone encouraged me recently, “you tend to be the kind of person who just bounces around from opportunity to opportunity; you are satisfied with variety. You should consider having a few things in your life that you are very strategic about—things that you hammer away at for a period of time and then see results, breakthrough…”

My one friend tells me I should find a mind-blowing hobby. Someone else says I should be more strategic. My roommates and I are doing a leadership group in our home once a week. We’re studying priorities and discipline and how these things make you a better employee, a stronger leader. Perhaps a generally more successful and efficient person.

Anyone who knows me knows that discipline is the one thing in my life I have felt like I could not tackle. So much so that I pretty much don’t try.

I haven’t really resolved to a specific routine since obtaining my full time job. I don’t know why I expected to. I have never really had a specific routine that I’ve followed in life. I have indeed kind of bounced around.

In my line of work we call that putting out fires.

Maybe I have been limiting myself to putting out the fires and that’s why there is this huge part of me that feels so vastly unsettled.

For being logically (i.e., job, etc.) fairly put together, I actually for the first time in years feel just a bit lost. I hope I don’t drive myself crazy trying to find the missing piece.