Attention, please

we’d like to help you learn to help yourself

ifiwereadiva — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:00:21 +0000

It has been a hard week at work. One of the hardest I can remember, I think. I am actually in a place where I don’t know how to respond or proceed. This hasn’t really happened before.

I suppose there isn’t much more I can say right now.

hey oh

ifiwereadiva — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:45:11 +0000

My feet are cold. I am happy winter is here.

Don’t tell anyone.

you’re gonna get a big surprise

ifiwereadiva — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 20:47:11 +0000

My best friend got married yesterday. I had the opportunity to watch his face when he said his vows. I have never heard him say anything so confidently. I remember a long time ago when he told me he had lost all hope that he would get married, and had resigned himself to a life of solitude. After some prodding he took a chance with a very special woman (and let me say for the record, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen up close) and the rest was history. I wish I had the ability to express what I would like to, but I can say only this: In a short span of years I have had the challenge and the pleasure of seeing remarkable loneliness and unspeakable joy in his eyes. If you saw him yesterday, you would also believe that real love is possible, out there, and somehow available to you.

with my head in my hands I sit

ifiwereadiva — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 21:30:57 +0000

I don’t know that I have ever had this much on my mind in my life. It feels intensely overwhelming. My best friend is getting married in a few days. I will wear a dress for the occasion. Never mind that this means yet another relationship will go through a deep changing phase and the awareness of my singlehood will grow immensely with his absence. (At least now people will stop asking me why I am not married to him. Again, for the last time: because kissing your brother is uncomfortable.) So much is new lately that I feel like I forget so often what my responsibilities are. I feel ill most days of late and my doctor is currently unavailable. My job is quite stressful right now and the results of several projects feel like they are resting on me. I am not sure how to proceed at some points because I feel like I will only make a mistake. My family and I are not particularly getting along. And I am not that sad about it. I feel like I have no ability to feel what they toss my direction anymore because the relationships are strained to the point where it feels impossible for them to become normal never mind life giving. An old friend shared some horribly tragic news today that makes me feel the world will never, ever be a safe place because we are all greedy horrible shortcut seeking monsters.

it’s the latest it’s the greatest

ifiwereadiva — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 19:10:13 +0000

It’s hard to know the right thing to do. There have been some difficult things going on of late and I feel like I’ve been stuck in the middle. My intentions were partly good and partly manipulative.

In some ways I feel like my life is like a batch of brownies, fully baked…but somewhere in the mix there is a 1/4 cup of dog crap. It’s not technically dangerous because it’s been fully heated. The germs are pretty much gone. Maybe the brownies will have a slight dirt taste if you overthink it. On the other hand, you may eat several delicious chocolatey brownies and not notice anything distinct. But in your mind you will still know they are dog crap brownies. Because I just told you.

Like me, you won’t want to eat them.

I found a new place to dwell

ifiwereadiva — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:19:28 +0000

Lately I’ve repeatedly dreamed that I have been staying in a luxurious hotel. And I mean luxurious…chandeliers, ancient architecture, way too much service, you get the idea. As I leave the hotel to go to the airport I always find myself disappointed because I spent so much time lazying around my hotel room that I did not even enjoy the hotel, never mind the sites of the place I visited. In another dream I missed the train to the airport. In another my flight got routed all over the place and I ended up landing on a military base and walked out of the plane through some giant emergency exit, though there was no emergency. I always wake up before I truly arrive anywhere.

Last night was a bit different. I was still disappointed with myself because I didn’t feel like I had enjoyed myself like I should have. Only this time, as I was checking out of the hotel, the concierge walked me around for a tour of the amenities. I found this is odd since I was about to leave. Suddenly around the bend he showed me this place I had not noticed before. It was a HUGE indoor pool and cabana area where several bikini clad adults were sitting, talking, splashing, drinking, enjoying themselves. Very vacationy. The concierge said, “There are no children allowed. And we let you drink margaritas in the pool.”

I said, “Well, it’s too bad I am leaving. I will have to visit your hotel again some other time.”

He said, “Actually, since you’ve paid for the all-inclusive package, you can stay for a few extra days at no charge, since you have enjoyed no amenities up to this point. I have already rescheduled your flight and called your supervisor. Join the fun!”

Soon after that I woke up feeling disturbed but I wasn’t quite sure why. I eventually put my finger on what I had forgotten about the dream. You see, oddly, the hotel was not a hotel, but a prison. Your stay was always “extended” because you had “paid for an all-inclusive package” and you still had amenities to enjoy. People held in this constant state of extravagant leisure would at first find it quite pleasant but later become empty torturous shells of who they were.

What do you think this is about?!

ob la di

ifiwereadiva — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 21:31:06 +0000

If I had made different choices, I could have had a different life.
I’m not necessarily disappointed with the one I have.

Sadly, sometimes daydreaming about what my life could have been distracts me from living the life I currently have. My fear of never achieving the dream is what keeps me stagnant.

Still I wonder if today I’ll find the courage to turn it around.

what a lovely way of sayin’

ifiwereadiva — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 03:58:28 +0000

This week, from afar, I began giving directions to a family; mom dad and son. Mom and Dad were bringing the son to college to move in. A big day.

As I moved closer to the family and began to chit chat on our walk to the next stop, I began to realize that perhaps this family was unique. The stark white hair and a few other features ensured me that this mother was a few decades older than I expected. Well, perhaps he was bringing his grandmother along to see his new living space. I didn’t say a word and tried not to make any assumptions, but just paid attention.

Nope, it was his mom.

On my way back to my office, I thought maybe I should just get pregnant now. If I wait another minute, surely I will be her age when my son goes away to college.

It’s a nice day

ifiwereadiva — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 22:52:45 +0000

I realize I could really offend someone if I said this in the wrong company, but:

Weddings are lovely occasions. However, I believe a groom wearing a white tuxedo is grossly abhorrent.

rush and rush until life’s no fun

ifiwereadiva — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 07:05:34 +0000

I feel like for as long as I can remember I have lived in a state of high alert. We are born into some kind of household that helps us develop whatever sixth sense will work best for the environment in which we are raised.

Mine was certainly high alert. Anticipate all problems, automatically see things from multiple angles options and directions without needing a moment to think and/or act on a dime.

I’ve realized of late this intense high alert I’ve been on for the last few decades has caused me to run out of gas a few times. Sometimes I feel criticized (mostly in my own mind) for the large amounts of down time I can need in order to reach a state of normal. Even when I am resting I am still often thinking about 100 other things that need to get done, wondering what others might be thinking about me, stopping multiple times a day to ask myself if I have forgotten something. This is just my normal state of being.

I’ve taken on some additional responsibilities in life and work lately and I feel that high alert stake peaking. I worry about the down slope now and think perhaps I will forget something, so I begin double checking. It’s pretty bad when you’re on high alert about the fact that you’re on high alert. Talk about meta cognition.

I’m concerned that I’ve spent so much time trying to anticipate some angle that I’m not really living, not allowing myself to enjoy what is happening now. Other times I feel I am not thinking enough, and panic that I will forget to do something, call someone, finish a project, any sort of similar thing.

Lately though I have begun to realize that constant high alert is the very text book definition of stress. I know that I’m not 19 anymore. I can actually feel the physical differences in myself though I am certain I am still young. I am not sure what to think from here. On one hand I know that it would not be a good idea to live in Stress Mode for the rest of my life, but on the other hand, how does one go about changing the a foundational pattern of thinking after decades of depending on it for their very life and livelihood?